New kid on the "Road"

When I was young, me and my brother, we used to watch this series called 'Knight Rider' on Doordarshan. Most eighties kids would be familiar with the series. The series was about a hero who fights off evil with the help of his trusted companion KITT which is a supercar with artificial intelligence, and Oh boy that car could do some pretty amazing stuff! I guess my love affair with vehicles started in those days; every night after watching the series I used to go to bed wondering how it would be to drive home a car like that someday. I am sure, most eighties kids who were addicted to the series would have dreamt of owning a car like KITT someday. The series went off-air after a while, however by that time, the seeds of love for cars had been sown in my mind, and that love affair just grew stronger and stronger with age. But when I grew up, I did move onto more realistic dreams; from supercars that could talk, I moved on to 'value for money' cars that could go the maximum distance before the next top-up.

As time passed by, two cars made their way into our family. I used to thoroughly enjoy the car rides, up until a few months back, when I was sitting comfortably in the co-passenger's seat and my father was driving. But, the last three months have found me in the driver's seat and I can say beyond doubt that I still enjoy the rides, however the experience is not the same. With the transition from co-passenger to driver, my perspective towards driving has undergone a sea change. Though it has only been a few months since I started driving, I feel like I have lots to tell, about driving, the lessons I learnt from it, and mostly about the different kinds of people I have met on the road while driving, and whom I would like to refer to as "Cartoons", because each of them is unique and their actions resemble, and in many ways are way funnier than the cartoon characters that we are all familiar with. So here is presenting my list of "Cartoons on the road".

'The lefties': Some people take the "Keep left" rule in driving a little too seriously, that even while overtaking they overtake only from the left. Even if there is room to the right side of a vehicle to park an elephant, these people derive great joy in overtaking through the left. The best of the lot are the ones who will overtake through the left only when the vehicle in front has turned the left indicator on, pure genius!

'The desi James Bonds': These cartoons can mostly be found driving big vehicles - buses, trucks, lorries, trailers, etc. They like to think of themselves as "James Bond" and the rest of the people on the road better watch out for them, as we all know 007 has the 'licence to kill'. These cartoons drive in such a way that they can even put Ian Fleming's iconic character also to shame. A word of advice for those who happen to be in the way of these 'Desi James Bonds', stay far away from them and never ever commit the mistake of trying to pick up a race with them, better safe than sorry! They also have a bit of "Hulk" in them, so you will definitely not like them when they are angry, it is also better to never pick up a fight with them, ever!

'Jai-Veerus of the road': When Amitabh Bachan and Dharmendra performed the 'Yeh dosti' song of the movie 'Sholay', they would not have imagined that, it was to later on spark off a lot of 'Jai-Veeru' pairs on the road doing their own version of 'Yeh dosti' on the road. If the duo had done it on a single motorbike with three wheels, todays 'Jai-Veeru' pairs do it on two motorcycles, that's the difference. I have not understood the logic behind using the road as a venue and driving as a medium for having long drawn conversations, maybe NDTV can think of a new show in this concept and call it 'Ride the Talk'. The best part of these 'Jai-Veeru' pairs is that they do not give a damn about anyone else on the road or the incessant honking of vehicles behind them or the ones approaching them from the opposite direction, they continue to be in their "In-conversation" mode, after all "Thodenge dam magar saath na chodenge", right?

'The free-left pranksters': Whoever coined the term 'Free Left', should have thought of a much more better term for that, because some people tend to take those 'Free Lefts' a little too freely. You are driving peacefully on a straight road and then suddenly out of nowhere these 'Free Left pranksters' come on to the road and give you the shock of your life, no wonder these cartoons always reminds me of my time as a kid, when I used to hide in the darkness waiting for someone to come my way and then suddenly leap out of the darkness to scare them. It is 'Karma', I guess, these cartoons have now given me more scares than the number of times I've pulled that 'leaping out of the dark' prank on someone!

'The bright torch bearers of social service': Whoever said everyone on the road is bad, we have shining examples of people who show exemplary levels of selfless service. Poor lighting on the road, don't worry, if you have these cartoons on the road, they will illuminate the road all the way with the high beams on their vehicles, and in such a way that you can hardly find out where the road is, where your vehicle is, or where other vehicles are. They often have such a big heart that they just refuse to turn off the high beam even when they are on roads where it is not required, they feel like doing social service there also. Thanks to these cartoons, my faith in God has increased, like a zillion times, because a large part of my night journeys are in state of partial to complete blindness, courtesy their social service, but I have still managed to make it back safe and sound all the time. It is all thanks to the prayers of two people back home, my parents, who are all prayers right from the time I first turn on the ignition of my car in the morning to the time I last turn it off in the night. God is great, but I just wish He infused some, at least a wee bit of common sense into the brains of these cartoons.

'Lalettan on a bike': To those of you who don't know 'Lalettan', a very quick intro, Malayalam film star Mohanlal (a superstar, a complete actor, the best actor in all of India, in all of the world, I can go on and on, we Keralites will run out of words to describe him) is very fondly called as 'Lalettan' by his fans in Kerala. Lalettan has a trademark side slant which we Keralites have now come to associate with him and which is widely used my mimics to imitate him. While driving, I have seen many people on bikes with that side slant, and initially I used to think why on earth are these people imitating 'Lalettan', that too while driving a bike, but later on when I started watching them closely I realized that the side slant was because, they were balancing that tiny little object that people just can't do without nowadays - mobile phones, between their face and their shoulders. The way they talk and ride, without the least bother about anything else in the world, sometimes makes me wonder if they are bigger celebrities than 'Lalettan' himself, that they cannot wait till they reach their destination to return a call or maybe pull over by the side of the road to make the call.

'The peeping toms': If you are a lady and that too a beginner, who is learning to drive with that prominent "L" sticker on your vehicle, it is very likely that you have come across this cartoon at least once while driving. I have come across them many a times. When you are a beginner, it is a given that you drive slowly and very carefully, which irks the veterans on the road who are trying to overtake you, but by the time you are able to give them space to overtake your vehicle, they turn into Mr/Ms Peeping Toms. Oh, they give you that look, that eternal stare, which I have never been able to decipher. Are they trying to say "What on earth do you think are you doing" or "Stay out of my way, you loser" or "Who gave you the licence to drive", well I am yet to figure that one out, but these 'Peeping Toms' can give you the creeps, at times. There are times, when their stares have got so long and irksome, that I wanted to pull down my car windows and tell them, "Dear Mr/Ms. Peeping Tom, just in case you didn't know, the road is in front of you, not inside my car". 

'Local brand ambassadors of Fevicol': There are different variants for these cartoons, but all of them have one common factor in them, the 'Lage Raho' factor. Be it the owner of the vehicle parked bang in the middle of the road, and who disappears only to reappear after what seems like an eternity, or that family of three, four, five, I think I have seen upto six members, on a bike riding comfortably on the road, even as onlookers get scared that one member might just fall off the bike, these cartoons can very well be brand ambassadors for 'Fevicol'. As a kid, I used to be all awe-struck when I used to see those motorbike stunts in the 'Republic Day Parade', well now I get to see equally amazing motorbike stunts by very common people everyday on the road (no offence to the brave armed forces officers who do the R-Day parade stunts, I totally adore their performance). It is no wonder that ISRO created a record by launching the highest number of satellites in one go, we Indians are born with this ability to pack more than what can be packed into a given space, it is in our DNA, I guess! (by the way, mighty proud of you ISRO, way to go!)

'The enlightened ones': Driving mirrors are for lesser mortals, but for those who have achieved enlightenment, of what use are mirrors anyway, as they have eyes and ears in all directions, they can see even without seeing, and hear without listening. While driving, I have come across many such enlightened souls, some on bikes that do not have either of the rear-view mirrors, some on cars that do not have any side mirrors. For someone like me, who feels that even three mirrors aren't good enough, these enlightened beings are ones who are worth worshipping. They command a lot of respect, hence I always make it a point to maintain a very safe distance from these beings. The only problem with these enlightened people are that, they expect others also to be equally enlightened as they are, and they hardly use indicators or horns (mostly their vehicles lack them also in addition to the mirrors) , can't really blame them, can we, because they think that others can read their minds and will follow suit. A word of advice if you happen to meet these cartoons on the road, "Give a lot of respect and stay away from them as far as possible, who knows you might also get enlightened by being in their vicinity".

'Stealth mode lovers': Some people like to look at driving as waging a war, which could be the only reason why they refuse to use any sort of lights, be it headlights, tail lights or indicators, they just don't want to give their "enemies" (other drivers on the road) any clue as to what their next move would be. They are in a constant 'stealth mode', it makes me wonder, what on earth are they doing on the road, they should very well be in the Indian Armed Forces, their service could be invaluable for the nation.

'The rebels': These cartoons live and breathe the motto "Rules are meant to be broken". Doesn't matter what the rule is, it will be broken. If someone told them to wear their seatbelts, they would rather die than wear them. Someone said wear a helmet while riding a bike, they would leave their helmets at home itself. If they see a sign that says 'No overtaking', they will do exactly that. Some people just can't turn off the "rebel" mode even when they are on the road. There is a special section in this rebel category, and I find them mostly in Tamil Nadu (my current home), who like to drive in the opposite direction, come hell or high water, they will not deter from their course, we people who are driving in the right direction better watch out for them!

'The eternal bully': Be it in school, or college, there always used to be a bully who used to make life difficult for all the people around. Roads are no different, time and again you bump into the 'eternal bullies' who will keep the whole road to themselves and not allow anyone to overtake them, they just derive a lot of pleasure from seeing other hapless drivers on the road suffer, and finally when they had their due share of bullying for the day, they let go.

Well, it has been only three months since I started driving and the list of cartoons that I meet on the road, it just keeps getting bigger with each passing day. There are certain days, when I do not come across any cartoons on the road, but then there are days when all of them appear on the road at the same time, those are the days where I feel like a mental asylum has broke open and all the inmates have come onto the road! As a kid, I remember watching my brother play this video game called 'Max Payne' on our computer all the time, where, as Max Payne the player has to fight off villains at various levels of the game to stay in the game and get past each level. There are days when driving feels like a game of 'Max Payne' sans any violence, of course, only some non-violent name calling at times (in the mind, though, just can't help it at times). You deal with one cartoon, move on to the next level, deal with a much worse cartoon in the next level and then go over to the next level and so on, until you finally reach home and say "Yes, I've made it".

Yes, these cartoons can at times, take the pleasure out of driving, however driving has its moments and fortunately the moments outnumber the encounters with those cartoons, by a very large number, which makes driving one of the best things in the world. I am sure most people who know driving, will agree with me on that, right? In my three month old driving experience itself, I have come across many such moments which have totally made me fall in love with driving. The best moment had been when I made a trip of 470 odd kilometres from my present home in Thanjavur to my home in Cochin, in my car, all by myself. The best roads are the ones that take you home, be it a home away from home or your actual home, those rides to home are the best ones, ever! Then there are also moments that have taken my breath away, courtesy a job that takes me to three beautiful districts of rural Tamil Nadu that abound in natural beauty - Thanjavur, Tiruvarur and Nagapattinam; I have travelled through places that could give all the so-called "Heritage Resorts" a run for their money, on any given day.

Well, driving to me is nothing short of liberation. After education and an own source of income, I feel that driving is the one thing that has liberated me the most. I have to say thanks to three for that, firstly it is to my father who taught me how to drive a cycle, a scooter and a car, all three of which have helped me during various phases of my life. If 'Dangal's "Haanikarak Bapu" Aamir Khan was like "Be ready by 5.00 in the morning", my father was a step ahead while he used to give me driving classes, he used to be like "Get ready by 4.00 am". There were many sleepy, chilly mornings when I also have tried to play the "Manne chod do re bapu" sympathy card and failed; when has any typical Indian father ever listened to the rants of their children, when it comes to matters that are beneficial for their kids! Today when I drive through those roads where my father used to teach me how to drive, I say a million thanks to him because had it not been for him, probably I would never have had the confidence to drive any vehicle on my own. The second and the third "thank you"s go to the 2 "G"s in my motto for driving - "TIG squared", short for "Trust in God and Trust in Google". God, yes, without help from that superpower I don't think I would have been able to make it, ever. As I write this, I have completed 5000 km (and counting) of solo driving and have driven through roads that have signboards resembling pretty much all the shapes that you find on the 'Insert shape' option in Microsoft Office applications, roads ranging from express highways to national highways to district roads to roads in rural areas (which can hardly qualify as a road) and I am still going strong, thanks to Him. Then the to the next "G" in my motto - Google, the most loyal and helpful friend of mine. From helping me with my assignments during engineering college and B-school days, to helping me learn coding during my years as a techie, to helping me find a platform to fulfil my passion of writing, to helping me find my way as I drive through places that are totally strange to me with name boards written in a language that is all greek and latin to me, Google has always been by my side, providing me with all the support that I require, just like a good friend. Yes, Google and me, we have come a long way, love you loads, Google!

Well that brings me to the end of this post, I would like to conclude by saying that, I have written this from the perspective of someone who has just taken the baby steps into driving. I am not sure, if with time, I will also turn into one of the cartoons that I have described in this post, or if I will become an entirely new cartoon, that only time will tell ( I hope and wish that I do not, ever!), but for the time-being let me not worry about all that, let me just stick to being a "New Kid on the Road".

P.S: A couple of more "thank you"s to say! 
1) A big thanks to whoever invented 'Automatics', they are a boon to the whole driving fraternity, I wish someone also invents a car that can auto-park itself, then I won't have to deal with my current nemesis in driving - "parking" anymore. 
2) Though my car is no KITT, I just adore my car, a big thanks to you too for bearing with me as I learnt how to drive you, Yeah, I still don't know how to park you well, but I am sure I will get there someday, hopefully, very soon!