Black, Write or Grey?

After having survived a flood and a cyclone, I find myself thinking about life and people in general, much more than I used to. I have all these questions in my mind that I try to find answers to, but the more I think the murkier my mind gets, as every question leads me to further questions and the answers keep evading me. I have always found life to be a puzzle, but more puzzling than life are the people in life. People have always been a mystery to me, I have always wondered why certain people are the way they are and why they do the things they do. Though every day in life has helped me gain some insights into the same, there have been certain days, certain incidents in my life, that have given me invaluable insights that laid to rest many of those questions in my mind, but at the same time gave rise to some more questions. I distinctly remember two such incidents – one was a flood in Kashmir four years ago and the other is a very recent one, a cyclone in Thanjavur a few days ago.

When what starts off as a pleasure trip turns into the stuff that your worst nightmares are made of, you can be rest assured that you are in for a very rude shock. It was what happened to me four years ago, when we, me and my parents, found ourselves stranded at a disaster relief camp during the floods in Jammu and Kashmir in the year 2014. It was an experience that brought me close to the many facets of human nature, like one's love for life, one's fear of losing something that is dear to us and one's willingness to help one another, irrespective of their differences. It was an experience that brought out the best qualities in all of us. We had realized the value of life. We also realized the volatility and the futility of the things that we spend all our lives chasing - money, power and fame; all of it could change in the blink of an eye and none of it mattered when one's life was at stake. Had we not been in a life-threatening situation like the one we were faced with, I am not sure if we would have behaved in the same way that we did, back then, helping one another, talking to one another and giving each other hope. Had it been a normal day, our egos, our prejudices, would have come to play and we would have rushed to find faults with one another at the drop of a hat! However, there were some exceptions though, people who were their selfish, arrogant, greedy and inconsiderate selves, even when they knew their lives as well as the lives of others around them were in peril. If something like a life or death situation could not bring about a change in their ways, then I wonder what possibly could. But after a week-long ordeal, once we reached our homes safely all that remained in our minds was gratitude to all those who had been good to us. Their acts of kindness remained  etched in our hearts and so did they, whereas the acts of hatred as well as the people behind them were quickly forgotten. But the experience left me with several questions that I am still struggling to find answers to. Why is it that we have to wait for a critical situation to be our best selves, why is it that we have to lose something to finally realize the value of what we have lost? Why is it that we can't let go of our egos, our differences, our hatred, when we know that this world would be a much better place without them? Why is there so much greed for money in this world, when we know that we do not take anything with us when we leave this world? 

A couple of days ago, I found myself in a similar situation, though it wasn't as threatening as the floods of Kashmir, it did bring a lot of fear, desperation and helplessness in my life – the recent cyclone Gaja which ravaged several districts of Tamil Nadu including Thanjavur, the district where I work. I had only seen cyclones in movies on T.V and read about them in news, until a few days ago, when I saw and experienced for real, how a cyclone affects the lives of people. The cyclonic storm Gaja started in the wee hours of Friday, 16^th November 2018. Power went off within a few minutes since the winds started blowing heavily and I was finding it difficult to fall asleep, so I opened the doors of my room and came out to the hall of the hostel, where I stay in Thanjavur. What I saw through the grilled doors of the hostel would easily go down as one of the scariest sights of my life, wind was blowing so heavily that even big trees were swaying furiously in the direction of the wind. The winds were so strong, everything around was being hurled around viciously by the wind. Accompanying the winds were heavy rains. The humming sound created by the heavy winds and the rains, it is amongst the most haunting sounds that I have ever heard in my life. It has been many days since I witnessed it, and I am still not able to get that sound out of my head. The sights and the sounds combined to create a sense of utmost terror in my mind. I stood there watching cyclone Gaja wreak havoc on the place that over the past three years had become second home to me – Thanjavur.  

     

After six hours or so, which seemed like an eternity to all of us in Thanjavur, the winds stopped, but it continued to rain. With the loss of power, our struggle for survival began – mobiles went off, laptops went off, water supply stopped, public transport stopped, life pretty much came to a standstill before we knew it. I had enquired the status of all the people whom I interact with as part of work over WhatsApp to check if they were alright and then sent a message home saying that I was safe and they need not worry. I was able to get a few responses, but by the time my phone ran out of charge. What followed was a long wait for things to get back to normal, with my mobile phone gone, I practically had no connection to the outside world, I was not aware of the situation in places other than Thanjavur. I was sitting and waiting when our hostel management sent word to those who were in the hostel that power will not be restored for the next two days, hence the hostel was going to be closed for the next two days. That is when I became aware of the extent of damage that had been caused by the cyclone. Large trees had been uprooted in many places in Thanjavur and electric poles and transmission lines had been damaged. There was no surety as to whether the power supply would be back after two days also. One after the other, hostel inmates started packing their bags and moving back to their homes. I was not sure as to what I would do, I did not have any relatives in Thanjavur or any place nearby. I had no place to go other than my home in Cochin, or no one to go to other than my parents. I knew it was too late to get any train tickets as it was afternoon by the time I got the news. Moreover, I was not sure if any trains or buses were going out of Thanjavur even. With very low hopes, I decided to check if any train tickets were available. I used up every remaining power in my laptop to charge my phone and check for tickets. I was surprised when I saw that there was just one train ticket remaining in the only direct train that connects Thanjavur and Cochin, I felt like I finally found a ray of hope in an otherwise dark day. I booked that ticket and just as I got the booking confirmation message, my phone got switched off again. There were speculations that the train would be cancelled as it starts from Karaikal and travels via Nagapattinam before it reaches Thanjavur and from what I heard from one of my distributors who had called me in the morning, Nagapattinam had been very badly affected by the cyclone. However the train came, after a delay of two hours due to the damages in the track, but it wasn’t cancelled. I boarded the train, left a message to my manager on my phone seeking his permission to be out of Thanjavur for a couple of days and tried to go to sleep, but I couldn’t sleep a wink that night out of the all the frights that the day had given me. The images of the damage that the cyclone had caused which I saw on the way from my hostel to the railway station were etched in my mind. The humming sounds of the winds and the rains, they still echoed in my head. I was finding it hard to fall asleep, I was filled with an inexplicable fear. I longed to be back home, to be with my parents. 

   

Once I reached my home in Cochin and saw the faces that I had been waiting to see, the fear had left me. Having a place to call one’s own is one of the best things in life and having people who will have your back even during the most trying times of your life, a blessing. I sometimes wonder, what I would do had it not been for my parents in life. At the same time, I thought about those people who were now stranded due to the cyclone, I thought about those were away from their families. I thought about all those people who were left homeless by the cyclone, about those whose homes were damaged by the cyclone. I felt sorry for them, I felt angry at life. Why did life have to be so difficult at times? Maybe this is all a master-plan by a greater power than we can comprehend, maybe these are trials to test our faith in God, maybe it is to help us understand and appreciate the value of life, maybe it is all part of God's plan to help us become better human-beings, only time will tell. I was lost in these thoughts when I realized that I had a job to do. I started enquiring about my distributors in Thanjavur, Tiruvarur and Nagapattinam. It was sad news from most parts, the houses of many of their employees had been damaged, there were damages to their offices, power and internet connectivity erratic, but fortunately there were no casualties. Life isn’t that bad, I thought. Once I was done making the enquiries, I sat back and thought about it, the people whom I interact with on a daily basis, apart from those who were in the cyclone affected area, there was not a single message from them enquiring the status of the condition back there. Honestly that was a very sinking feeling and it hurt very badly. I was thinking, maybe I have made a mistake in judging people. I thought that there will be many who will be there with me when I need them, even without me asking. But I was wrong, again. The people who we think are there with us, are they really with us or are they just pretending to be? Honestly, when I look back in life, I find that the people who helped me during the most difficult situations in my life are not those whom I interact with all the time, but they were people, whom I had least expected would be there to help me or anyone for that matter. I was wondering, is there anyone who truly cares about you in this world, other than maybe your parents? Why is it that the world always looks up to people who project themselves as good and shun those who do not follow suit because they don’t believe in showing off or are not looking for any kind of approval from the society that they are good. How does one really know if a person is genuine or fake? 

All these thoughts were running through my mind, but I was a bit relieved that I was safe and so were every other acquaintance of mine in Thanjavur, Tiruvarur and Nagapattinam. I turned on the T.V to know the recent developments on the cyclone, but to my surprise I saw that no channels, regional as well as national, were running any news on the cyclone, but they were busy showing the developments from Sabarimala temple where protests were rampant in connection with the recent Supreme Court verdict that permits women to enter the temple. Suddenly a Hartal had been declared in Kerala and people across Kerala were struggling to get through the day due to the unexpected Hartal. After seeing all the hue and cry over the verdict and the way people were abusing and hurting each other and the way the common man was being made to suffer because of the Hartal, I felt disgusted and switched off the T.V. My mind was in turmoil. I thought to myself, people are just unbelievable! Just a couple of months ago, Kerala had faced a flood that literally brought everyone in the state to their knees. They were struggling for life back then and the differences between people had vanished as everyone helped one another in overcoming, one of the worst crisis that they had perhaps faced in their life time. They were so good to each other, it had taken my faith in humanity to an altogether different level. Now here they were, hardly three months since the floods, fighting against each other, hurting each other, all in the name of religion and politics.  

It’s only natural that my thoughts are a bit clouded now as I recently recovered from a week-long illness that ended on a frightening note with a cyclone, but this emotional turmoil has always been there in my mind. The mystery, the puzzle that is mankind, I had always wanted to unravel this mystery. People confuse me, their behaviour confuses me. At one point, they are all noble and godly, the next moment they are evil personified. Why are people like that? Why is it that people are good at times but evil at other times? Why is it that some people are good all the time whereas some are not? Are there only two kinds of people in this world – the good ones and the bad ones, or does good and bad both coexist in everyone? Is this world just plain black and white, or are there shades of grey in between?

I used to wonder if it is it just me who has questions like these on their minds or are there others who have asked themselves these questions at some point or the other in their lives. The answer is yes, at least that is what I have learnt from the books that I have read. Recently I read ‘The Catcher In The Rye’ by J.D. Salinger and ‘To Kill A Mocking Bird’ by Harper Lee, two books that made me realize that I am not alone, there were many before me who have had similar thoughts about mankind, who had been puzzled by the way mankind is. From these books by great authors and thinkers and from the conversations of the great minds that I admire, I have learnt one thing – people are different and they behave differently at times, but if we really look deep down, people are good. There are a couple of lines, infact they are the closing lines of the book ‘To Kill A Mocking Bird’ that moved me to tears as I read them. The beauty of the lines is that they convey a message that is as simple as it is profound. I am sure that the lines and the message that they convey will stay with me as well as the reader for the rest of their lives.

Quote.

“Atticus, He was real nice”.

“Most people are Scout, when you finally see them”.

Unquote.

I remember reading this article once, in Mathrubhumi newspaper, by Mata Amritanandamayi (lovingly called Amma). In the article Amma was saying that we should always try to look at the goodness of people because when we say that someone is bad, we ourselves are becoming bad. Amma says that there will always be some good in even the most evil of all people. It is this goodness in everyone that one should learn to see, appreciate and nurture.

There have been lot of times in my life when I have been extremely disappointed with someone’s behaviour to me, sometimes it was something they said, and sometimes it was something they did, that caused me a lot of hurt. There are times when I have seen people behave in the most inconsiderate manner that it made me question my very faith in humanity. I have seen rich people exploit the poor and powerful people exploit the oppressed and go on about their lives without the slightest morsel of remorse. I could spend all my life hating such people, but hate never did any good to anyone. Instead of hating them, I started looking at them in a different light. I thought, maybe it is their ignorance or their circumstances, or their upbringing that made them behave that way, or maybe they were actually mean or bad.  As long as I didn’t know the real reason behind their behaviour, it made sense to believe that they are inherently good. Well, there have also been many instances in life where I have been at the receiving end of extraordinary acts of kindness and compassion. I have seen people display utmost honesty and integrity in their acts. 

History stands testimonial to the power of humanity, but it has also witnessed so many acts that would take away one’s belief in humanity. After much thought, I have understood that one cannot just look at this world and the people in it as black and white, there are varying shades of grey too in this world. Life too has its shades of grey, there is happiness, there is sadness and places in between. A world that is all white, a world filled with nothing but goodness, maybe too ideal a concept to wish for. But wish we must and strive we must, in our own small ways to leave this world a better place than it is today. As Amma says, “Try to make others happy, and don’t despair over all the evil in the world. Instead of cursing the dark, let us each light one small lamp”. 

If you wish to light a small lamp in the lives of the thousands in Tamil Nadu who have been affected by the recent cyclonic storm Gaja - ones who have lost their family members, ones who have lost their homes, their belongings, their crops, their life's earnings, you can send in your contributions, small or big to the Chief Minister's Public Relief Funds by following the link below. 

https://ereceipt.tn.gov.in/cmprf/cmprf.html 

The people who have been affected by the cyclone are predominantly from very poor agrarian backgrounds. Thanjavur is known as the "Rice bowl" of Tamil Nadu. We owe a lot to the farmers in Thanjavur, who are the people behind the rice on our tables. Let's get together and help fill their rice bowls again. May Thanjavur and all the other districts in Tamil Nadu that have been affected by cyclone Gaja, return to normalcy soon!