(Un)Turning 30

The signs had been there for quite some time – greying hair, panting like a dog on climbing a flight of stairs, difficulty in reading text at a distance, tooth aches, back ache and yes, these were the more direct ones. Then there were those indirect, hidden cues like being addressed as “Aunty” instead of the usual “Chechi” (Malayalam for elder sister) by kids and youngsters alike (and I also had started referring to them as “kids”!). Now it's official. I have turned 30 and I am now officially out of the "Youth" club. Yeah, when you move from “Chechi” zone to “Aunty” zone, it is high time you realized that your time as a young 20 something is up. It has been a month since I turned 30, however the fact still has not quite sunk in. My body had been telling me this for quite some time, and still is telling me that, “Hey Girl, sorry Woman is more appropriate, it’s high time you accept that you are no longer as fit as you used to be earlier, take care of yourself a little more, as you are growing old”. Did I just say “Old”, ouch that hurts!

So what is so scary about "Turning 30" that everyone keeps warning you about. I remember there was an entire episode in "F.R.I.E.N.D.S" about it. I couldn't stop laughing at Joey's "Why God why", until I turned 30 and found myself asking the same!  So, what is it about getting old, that many people are afraid of, and some like me are even unwilling to accept. I kept thinking, is it because of the fact that our looks fade when we grow old, is it because you are no longer attractive as you were earlier? But that can’t be a suitable explanation for "Plain Janes" like me who never got a "Oh, she is so pretty" comment ever in their lives. Since looks had never been a strength, its absence was never going to be a concern, for me. Those few strands of grey hair or those wrinkles on the face, didn’t hurt. So, I ruled out the “looks” factor, so what else could be the reason for this fear of ageing. Is it the impact on health, well, that is a strong one, after all ‘health is wealth’, anything that has an adverse impact on health, can give anyone sleepless nights. So health, I realize is definitely an important reason for the fear. But looks and health were just physical aspects, and they were easier to make peace with, but then there were those psychological aspects, the more scary ones. The fact that with each passing year, you are running a little short of time to fulfil your list of desires in life, a “Bucket list" or a “Wish list” as some call it, does make us nervous, doesn’t it? As someone who has been through a near-death experience, I have seen and experienced the greatest fear most people have, the fear of not been able to live to see another day. That experience helped me realize that we only live once and we must do all that we want to do in this lifetime, so that when the time comes to say the final goodbye, we can do so without any regrets.  So, well that pretty much explains my greatest fear of growing old. Apart from these fears, there are those fears like the one of being on one’s own, taking responsibility for all that is happening in life, I can no longer put the blame on someone else and escape like I used to when I was young  (how I miss those good old school and college days when I hardly had any responsibilities apart from the obvious responsibility of studying, which at that time felt like a huge one, but in comparison to the current responsibilities I have, it hardly qualifies as one!).  

Well, turning 30 did scare the daylights out of me, still continues to, and I don’t know how long it will be before I finally come to terms with the fact that it is all part of growing up, that many have been there and many are joining the bandwagon even as I write this! However turning 30 was also quite an eye-opener. It helped me realize many things in life, like it made me realize that I should never take anything in life for granted. I had always been very proud of my eyesight. I used to keep telling my friends and family that I can pass an eye-test on any given day. However I got the biggest shock of my life one day, when out of my overconfidence, I asked my parents to leave their spectacles at home and even went on to proclaim that they did not need them when I was with them, only to find out later that I was struggling to read the sign boards from a distance. That reality check was followed by another check, this time at an eye hospital, and now here I am, writing this blog on my laptop, with my new pair of spectacles on. Never knew that one day the very eyesight that I had taken so much pride in would no longer be a matter of pride. It was also an eye-opener in terms of health too. I realized that I was no longer as fit as I used to be and that I had to devote extra time and effort into taking care of myself to keep myself fit, which meant more exercise and saying “Adios” to all those junk food items that I totally love. Yes my time was up, I had had my own share of binging on burgers and pizzas, now it was time for me to move on to some healthy food (heart-breaking decision that one, but had to take it, for the love of I, me, myself and for the people who care about me).

Honestly, turning 30 wasn't all that bad, there were a lot of good things to it. Firstly, it is the independence – financial, emotional, and what not, after years of depending on your parents for anything and everything, by the time one turns 30, one is independent enough to take decisions on their own, live life on one’s own terms. Next best thing about turning 30 (well this is something which I have felt, not sure if other "30 somethings" feel the same way about it as I do) is the absence of the competitive spirit that had dominated me right from my high school days and which kind of aggravated with time as I stepped into the big bad world of Corporate. However towards my late 20s, I realized that I had grown tired of the mindless competition or the “rat race of life” as some call it. I had moved from “Compete or die” to “Love each other or perish” (Quote Courtesy: ‘Tuesdays with Morrie’ by Mitch Albom, one of my favourite books). That however doesn't mean that I have become complacent or lazy, I still do my work with the same fervour and honesty that I used to when I was young, but the only difference nowadays is that, I do it not to out perform someone or make someone feel inferior, but for the self-satisfaction of having done my job to the utmost of my abilities. Of-late I have also learnt to be more content with life, learnt to let go of hatred, to be more forgiving and empathetic towards others, and to find joy in the small things in life. Basically, I feel that the clock, in my case is actually going the opposite direction; I am not 'Turning 30', but I am 'Un-Turning 30'. With each year, I feel that I am going a little back in time, to my childhood days and to that innocence that characterised that phase of my life. I have seen that happen in my father’s life, he is in his sixties now, but he has the innocence of a child, which I find no different from that of my 2-year old nephew. Well, if every passing year in life marks a slow return to innocence, then I think that turning 30 or for that matter 60 isn’t bad after all. Yes, I have always been slow in learning life lessons, I take a long time to accept things, courtesy Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, so it isn't a surprise that I am having difficulty in accepting the fact that I am growing old. I remember, I almost cried out in disbelief when I saw my first strand of grey hair, but over a period of time (as I started losing count of them!), I have learnt to accept it and live with it. With time, I am sure I will learn to accept that I am becoming old, however I will do that without any regrets, happy to discover somewhere down the line, that innocent child in me, that was lost somewhere in this struggle for existence.