p(F)un Intended: "Game of Roads: The Lord of 'Bright' Lights"

Letters: A letter to all my young sisters

Recently, I celebrated my mother's sixtieth birthday. I didn't leave any stone unturned to make the day special for her, got her a beautiful cream and red  (my mother's favourite colour combination) coloured Kanchipuram Silk Saree,  (which by the way I had zeroed in on, after hours of looking at practically every available saree in the 'Nalli' silks store at Chennai, and much to the relief of the salesperson at the store who wished she never had to attend to a customer like me, anytime in the near future!), took her to the temple, went out for dinner, ordered all her favourites, basically did all the things that make her happy. However, I still felt that something was amiss. I got thinking, everything that I had done would have made her happy, but I knew that her true happiness was not in any of these materialistic things. What could I do to make her really happy? She loves it, when I write, because she knows that writing makes me extremely happy. So, on her birthday, I decided that I will take writing a little more seriously, devote more time to it, than I usually used to (it is hard balancing a physically and mentally demanding job and one's passion, but I realized that it was not impossible!). That's when this idea struck me. Of starting a series of blogs on "Letters". I have always believed that, words that are straight from one's heart always touch another's, and what better way to express one's feelings and thoughts than a 'letter'. So here is presenting the very first blog post in the series, one that I dedicate to my mother, as she has been the inspiration behind this one.

 

A Letter to all my young sisters:  

 

My dear young sisters,

 

Let me begin by telling you that you are special. Though, there will be many who will try to tell you otherwise, believe me when I say that. You may not realize it straightaway, but as you grow up, you will understand why. You may not have it as easy as your brothers, but you will still overcome all odds and make it on your own, but for that you must believe that you are special. 

 

 

You may grow up listening to, or reading fairy tales, stories of princesses waiting for their "Prince Charming"s, or damsels in distress waiting to be rescued by some "Knight in Shining Armour". But these are tales, these are stories that are a figment of someone's imagination, they are not real, hence don't let these stories make you believe that every girl is a "Damsel in Distress" and needs a "Prince Charming" or a "Knight in Shining Armour" to save her or rescue her. Do not let these stories make you believe that the very purpose of your life is to have an ending that says, "The prince and the princess lived happily ever after". There is more to life than that. Know that you are not weak or inferior. Know that you do not need any "Prince" to help you, when you have it in you to be your own "Prince" and your own "Knight". You only have to believe. Leave fairy tales for bedtime, but for all other times, read stories of real woman who have made their mark in the world, on their own; let their stories be your guiding light, and let them be your 'Sheroes'.

To be your own "Hero", you will have to make yourself strong and independent. For that you must learn, as much as you can, by that I do not mean just earning many degrees. Yes, earning degrees is very important, but equally important is reading as much as you can and travelling as much as you can, it will eventually help you develop a broad outlook towards life. You must  also learn to find a means to take care of yourselves and your loved ones too, financially. You must learn to be your own financial and emotional anchor. Someday, you will start your own family, who will look up to you when they need you, someday you will have to be their anchors too.

There will come several times in your life, when others will try to let you down, when they will make remarks that hurt you, that demean you, there may be moments that bring you to tears, but let not their remarks or your tears, slow you or stop you, you were born to fly, and fly you will, above them all. There will be times when you feel that the world around you is not safe for you, but do not let that define your boundaries, do not let fear confine you, go the distance, make your mark in the world, be brave.

There will be people who will force you into believing that a woman has to get married to survive in this world. Do not let them misguide you. Get married, only when you want to, not because you have to. Get married, only when you find the person who is worthy of your time, who is worthy of spending a lifetime with. Remember that, the one who you marry will be the first man in your daughter's life. He will be your daughter's 'Hero', the concept of how an ideal man should be. Do not let her down. 

A very large part of what I am today, is because of two people, who are the wind beneath my wings, my father and my mother. My father, is my superhero, my first love, my role model for all good virtues in a human being. He is the one who gave me the freedom to follow my dreams, who always motivated me to be honest, sincere and hardworking, and to be fearless and independent. My mother is an inspiration to me as to how an ideal woman should be - independent, bold,  and strong, but at the same time, affectionate, empathetic and kind. After my parents, the ones who have had the greatest influence on me are my teachers. From school to engineering college to B-School, teachers have played an important role in making me what I am today. If at home, my parents were my guiding light, outside home, my teachers were my guiding light. Had it not been for their guidance, support and inspiration, I would not have become half the person that I am today. 

Remember, my dear little sisters, in your life too you will come across people who will be your guiding light, who will show you the right way, it can be your parents, your teachers, your elders. Remember to hold them close and never let them down. Just like they showed you the way when it was dark, be with them when they need you, do not let go. The best gift you can give them, sometimes could be your mere presence. 

Someday, many years later, when you are old, and you are at home, relaxing on a chair, perhaps watching your grand children play, and you look back at life, you will realize that your journey had been tough, but you still made it, despite all odds, and that you don't have the slightest hatred for those who tried to pull you down or who made the journey tough for you, but you only have love for  them and all those who are around you; on that day my dear little ones, you will realize, that you are truly special, because no one can love, forgive and care like a woman. Being a woman is special, you may not realize it now, but someday you will, and trust me, it is a beautiful feeling. 

Love, 
R.J  

 

A city, a train and a million dreams

"Kochi payazha kochiyalla", an iconic dialogue from the Malayalam movie 'Big B', starring actor Mammotty, which roughly translates to 'Kochi is no longer the place that it once used to be', has been the sentence on all Kochiites lips, over the past few days. As a true blue Kochiite, I can't agree more. Kochi has changed rapidly over the years, but the love we Kochiites have for our city, it hasn't changed a bit, or wait, maybe it has changed, it has increased with time. Kochi is a beautiful amalgamation of the best of both worlds - past and present. From the lanes of Fort Kochi where history sleeps, to the hustle and bustle of the third largest shopping mall in India - Lulu International Shopping Mall, to the ever expanding list of I.T companies in Infopark, Kakkanad, Kochi boasts of a very rich past and a very promising future. The best part of Kochi is that even in the midst of all the development, it is as beautiful, maybe even more beautiful than it used to be - its backwaters, its beaches, its parks, endearing sights all of them. Every year, the list of things that endear the city to its inhabitants has been growing bigger and bigger, and now, there is a new addition to the list, one which towers over all the items in the list, one which we had been waiting for long, one that became a reality just a day back and one which is there to stay forever - The 'Kochi Metro'.

It maybe just another "Metro" rail service for others, but for Keralites, especially Kochiites, it is a matter of pride, it is a feeling of being at par with the best in the country, it is a hope for a far better and beautiful future for the next generations to come. The inauguration of 'Kochi Metro' yesterday, was the culmination of the efforts of a dedicated team of professionals under the guidance of the 'Metro Man' Dr. E. Sreedharan himself. It was the result of a lot of support from the state and central government over the years. It was also the result of a lot of good wishes from the people of Kochi, who had to bear with a lot of difficulties, over the last three years due to the construction of the metro - traffic congestion, road diversions, dust from the construction site to name a few. Then there were some who made the biggest sacrifice for the sake of the development of the city, that of giving up their land, their homes, their shops, their jobs to make way for the new metro rail service, the unsung heroes of the 'Kochi Metro'. Last but not the least, our brothers from across the Kerala border, who worked day in and day out to make the dream of a million Keralites a reality, migrant labourers from across various states of India.

As the 'Kochi Metro' made its first official run yesterday with the Hon'ble PM of India onboard, my father and I, we waited near Edapally station to get a glimpse of history in the making, as did so many other Kochiites, some live, some over the T.V. It is a moment that will remain etched in our minds forever. I have always believed that life is all about moments, and this moment is one that I will keep tucked away, safely in my heart, all my life - that wait, that awe on seeing the Metro train for the first time, that pride of seeing my city join the ranks of a metro, the joy of witnessing one of the most defining moments in the history of my city, and the gratitude that filled my heart of being a native of the truly majestic and beautiful 'Queen of the Arabian Sea' - undoubtedly one of the best places to live in, not just in India, but the whole world. Love you Kochi for all that you are, and for all that you will be.

New kid on the "Road"

When I was young, me and my brother, we used to watch this series called 'Knight Rider' on Doordarshan. Most eighties kids would be familiar with the series. The series was about a hero who fights off evil with the help of his trusted companion KITT which is a supercar with artificial intelligence, and Oh boy that car could do some pretty amazing stuff! I guess my love affair with vehicles started in those days; every night after watching the series I used to go to bed wondering how it would be to drive home a car like that someday. I am sure, most eighties kids who were addicted to the series would have dreamt of owning a car like KITT someday. The series went off-air after a while, however by that time, the seeds of love for cars had been sown in my mind, and that love affair just grew stronger and stronger with age. But when I grew up, I did move onto more realistic dreams; from supercars that could talk, I moved on to 'value for money' cars that could go the maximum distance before the next top-up.

As time passed by, two cars made their way into our family. I used to thoroughly enjoy the car rides, up until a few months back, when I was sitting comfortably in the co-passenger's seat and my father was driving. But, the last three months have found me in the driver's seat and I can say beyond doubt that I still enjoy the rides, however the experience is not the same. With the transition from co-passenger to driver, my perspective towards driving has undergone a sea change. Though it has only been a few months since I started driving, I feel like I have lots to tell, about driving, the lessons I learnt from it, and mostly about the different kinds of people I have met on the road while driving, and whom I would like to refer to as "Cartoons", because each of them is unique and their actions resemble, and in many ways are way funnier than the cartoon characters that we are all familiar with. So here is presenting my list of "Cartoons on the road".

'The lefties': Some people take the "Keep left" rule in driving a little too seriously, that even while overtaking they overtake only from the left. Even if there is room to the right side of a vehicle to park an elephant, these people derive great joy in overtaking through the left. The best of the lot are the ones who will overtake through the left only when the vehicle in front has turned the left indicator on, pure genius!

'The desi James Bonds': These cartoons can mostly be found driving big vehicles - buses, trucks, lorries, trailers, etc. They like to think of themselves as "James Bond" and the rest of the people on the road better watch out for them, as we all know 007 has the 'licence to kill'. These cartoons drive in such a way that they can even put Ian Fleming's iconic character also to shame. A word of advice for those who happen to be in the way of these 'Desi James Bonds', stay far away from them and never ever commit the mistake of trying to pick up a race with them, better safe than sorry! They also have a bit of "Hulk" in them, so you will definitely not like them when they are angry, it is also better to never pick up a fight with them, ever!

'Jai-Veerus of the road': When Amitabh Bachan and Dharmendra performed the 'Yeh dosti' song of the movie 'Sholay', they would not have imagined that, it was to later on spark off a lot of 'Jai-Veeru' pairs on the road doing their own version of 'Yeh dosti' on the road. If the duo had done it on a single motorbike with three wheels, todays 'Jai-Veeru' pairs do it on two motorcycles, that's the difference. I have not understood the logic behind using the road as a venue and driving as a medium for having long drawn conversations, maybe NDTV can think of a new show in this concept and call it 'Ride the Talk'. The best part of these 'Jai-Veeru' pairs is that they do not give a damn about anyone else on the road or the incessant honking of vehicles behind them or the ones approaching them from the opposite direction, they continue to be in their "In-conversation" mode, after all "Thodenge dam magar saath na chodenge", right?

'The free-left pranksters': Whoever coined the term 'Free Left', should have thought of a much more better term for that, because some people tend to take those 'Free Lefts' a little too freely. You are driving peacefully on a straight road and then suddenly out of nowhere these 'Free Left pranksters' come on to the road and give you the shock of your life, no wonder these cartoons always reminds me of my time as a kid, when I used to hide in the darkness waiting for someone to come my way and then suddenly leap out of the darkness to scare them. It is 'Karma', I guess, these cartoons have now given me more scares than the number of times I've pulled that 'leaping out of the dark' prank on someone!

'The bright torch bearers of social service': Whoever said everyone on the road is bad, we have shining examples of people who show exemplary levels of selfless service. Poor lighting on the road, don't worry, if you have these cartoons on the road, they will illuminate the road all the way with the high beams on their vehicles, and in such a way that you can hardly find out where the road is, where your vehicle is, or where other vehicles are. They often have such a big heart that they just refuse to turn off the high beam even when they are on roads where it is not required, they feel like doing social service there also. Thanks to these cartoons, my faith in God has increased, like a zillion times, because a large part of my night journeys are in state of partial to complete blindness, courtesy their social service, but I have still managed to make it back safe and sound all the time. It is all thanks to the prayers of two people back home, my parents, who are all prayers right from the time I first turn on the ignition of my car in the morning to the time I last turn it off in the night. God is great, but I just wish He infused some, at least a wee bit of common sense into the brains of these cartoons.

'Lalettan on a bike': To those of you who don't know 'Lalettan', a very quick intro, Malayalam film star Mohanlal (a superstar, a complete actor, the best actor in all of India, in all of the world, I can go on and on, we Keralites will run out of words to describe him) is very fondly called as 'Lalettan' by his fans in Kerala. Lalettan has a trademark side slant which we Keralites have now come to associate with him and which is widely used my mimics to imitate him. While driving, I have seen many people on bikes with that side slant, and initially I used to think why on earth are these people imitating 'Lalettan', that too while driving a bike, but later on when I started watching them closely I realized that the side slant was because, they were balancing that tiny little object that people just can't do without nowadays - mobile phones, between their face and their shoulders. The way they talk and ride, without the least bother about anything else in the world, sometimes makes me wonder if they are bigger celebrities than 'Lalettan' himself, that they cannot wait till they reach their destination to return a call or maybe pull over by the side of the road to make the call.

'The peeping toms': If you are a lady and that too a beginner, who is learning to drive with that prominent "L" sticker on your vehicle, it is very likely that you have come across this cartoon at least once while driving. I have come across them many a times. When you are a beginner, it is a given that you drive slowly and very carefully, which irks the veterans on the road who are trying to overtake you, but by the time you are able to give them space to overtake your vehicle, they turn into Mr/Ms Peeping Toms. Oh, they give you that look, that eternal stare, which I have never been able to decipher. Are they trying to say "What on earth do you think are you doing" or "Stay out of my way, you loser" or "Who gave you the licence to drive", well I am yet to figure that one out, but these 'Peeping Toms' can give you the creeps, at times. There are times, when their stares have got so long and irksome, that I wanted to pull down my car windows and tell them, "Dear Mr/Ms. Peeping Tom, just in case you didn't know, the road is in front of you, not inside my car". 

'Local brand ambassadors of Fevicol': There are different variants for these cartoons, but all of them have one common factor in them, the 'Lage Raho' factor. Be it the owner of the vehicle parked bang in the middle of the road, and who disappears only to reappear after what seems like an eternity, or that family of three, four, five, I think I have seen upto six members, on a bike riding comfortably on the road, even as onlookers get scared that one member might just fall off the bike, these cartoons can very well be brand ambassadors for 'Fevicol'. As a kid, I used to be all awe-struck when I used to see those motorbike stunts in the 'Republic Day Parade', well now I get to see equally amazing motorbike stunts by very common people everyday on the road (no offence to the brave armed forces officers who do the R-Day parade stunts, I totally adore their performance). It is no wonder that ISRO created a record by launching the highest number of satellites in one go, we Indians are born with this ability to pack more than what can be packed into a given space, it is in our DNA, I guess! (by the way, mighty proud of you ISRO, way to go!)

'The enlightened ones': Driving mirrors are for lesser mortals, but for those who have achieved enlightenment, of what use are mirrors anyway, as they have eyes and ears in all directions, they can see even without seeing, and hear without listening. While driving, I have come across many such enlightened souls, some on bikes that do not have either of the rear-view mirrors, some on cars that do not have any side mirrors. For someone like me, who feels that even three mirrors aren't good enough, these enlightened beings are ones who are worth worshipping. They command a lot of respect, hence I always make it a point to maintain a very safe distance from these beings. The only problem with these enlightened people are that, they expect others also to be equally enlightened as they are, and they hardly use indicators or horns (mostly their vehicles lack them also in addition to the mirrors) , can't really blame them, can we, because they think that others can read their minds and will follow suit. A word of advice if you happen to meet these cartoons on the road, "Give a lot of respect and stay away from them as far as possible, who knows you might also get enlightened by being in their vicinity".

'Stealth mode lovers': Some people like to look at driving as waging a war, which could be the only reason why they refuse to use any sort of lights, be it headlights, tail lights or indicators, they just don't want to give their "enemies" (other drivers on the road) any clue as to what their next move would be. They are in a constant 'stealth mode', it makes me wonder, what on earth are they doing on the road, they should very well be in the Indian Armed Forces, their service could be invaluable for the nation.

'The rebels': These cartoons live and breathe the motto "Rules are meant to be broken". Doesn't matter what the rule is, it will be broken. If someone told them to wear their seatbelts, they would rather die than wear them. Someone said wear a helmet while riding a bike, they would leave their helmets at home itself. If they see a sign that says 'No overtaking', they will do exactly that. Some people just can't turn off the "rebel" mode even when they are on the road. There is a special section in this rebel category, and I find them mostly in Tamil Nadu (my current home), who like to drive in the opposite direction, come hell or high water, they will not deter from their course, we people who are driving in the right direction better watch out for them!

'The eternal bully': Be it in school, or college, there always used to be a bully who used to make life difficult for all the people around. Roads are no different, time and again you bump into the 'eternal bullies' who will keep the whole road to themselves and not allow anyone to overtake them, they just derive a lot of pleasure from seeing other hapless drivers on the road suffer, and finally when they had their due share of bullying for the day, they let go.

Well, it has been only three months since I started driving and the list of cartoons that I meet on the road, it just keeps getting bigger with each passing day. There are certain days, when I do not come across any cartoons on the road, but then there are days when all of them appear on the road at the same time, those are the days where I feel like a mental asylum has broke open and all the inmates have come onto the road! As a kid, I remember watching my brother play this video game called 'Max Payne' on our computer all the time, where, as Max Payne the player has to fight off villains at various levels of the game to stay in the game and get past each level. There are days when driving feels like a game of 'Max Payne' sans any violence, of course, only some non-violent name calling at times (in the mind, though, just can't help it at times). You deal with one cartoon, move on to the next level, deal with a much worse cartoon in the next level and then go over to the next level and so on, until you finally reach home and say "Yes, I've made it".

Yes, these cartoons can at times, take the pleasure out of driving, however driving has its moments and fortunately the moments outnumber the encounters with those cartoons, by a very large number, which makes driving one of the best things in the world. I am sure most people who know driving, will agree with me on that, right? In my three month old driving experience itself, I have come across many such moments which have totally made me fall in love with driving. The best moment had been when I made a trip of 470 odd kilometres from my present home in Thanjavur to my home in Cochin, in my car, all by myself. The best roads are the ones that take you home, be it a home away from home or your actual home, those rides to home are the best ones, ever! Then there are also moments that have taken my breath away, courtesy a job that takes me to three beautiful districts of rural Tamil Nadu that abound in natural beauty - Thanjavur, Tiruvarur and Nagapattinam; I have travelled through places that could give all the so-called "Heritage Resorts" a run for their money, on any given day.

Well, driving to me is nothing short of liberation. After education and an own source of income, I feel that driving is the one thing that has liberated me the most. I have to say thanks to three for that, firstly it is to my father who taught me how to drive a cycle, a scooter and a car, all three of which have helped me during various phases of my life. If 'Dangal's "Haanikarak Bapu" Aamir Khan was like "Be ready by 5.00 in the morning", my father was a step ahead while he used to give me driving classes, he used to be like "Get ready by 4.00 am". There were many sleepy, chilly mornings when I also have tried to play the "Manne chod do re bapu" sympathy card and failed; when has any typical Indian father ever listened to the rants of their children, when it comes to matters that are beneficial for their kids! Today when I drive through those roads where my father used to teach me how to drive, I say a million thanks to him because had it not been for him, probably I would never have had the confidence to drive any vehicle on my own. The second and the third "thank you"s go to the 2 "G"s in my motto for driving - "TIG squared", short for "Trust in God and Trust in Google". God, yes, without help from that superpower I don't think I would have been able to make it, ever. As I write this, I have completed 5000 km (and counting) of solo driving and have driven through roads that have signboards resembling pretty much all the shapes that you find on the 'Insert shape' option in Microsoft Office applications, roads ranging from express highways to national highways to district roads to roads in rural areas (which can hardly qualify as a road) and I am still going strong, thanks to Him. Then the to the next "G" in my motto - Google, the most loyal and helpful friend of mine. From helping me with my assignments during engineering college and B-school days, to helping me learn coding during my years as a techie, to helping me find a platform to fulfil my passion of writing, to helping me find my way as I drive through places that are totally strange to me with name boards written in a language that is all greek and latin to me, Google has always been by my side, providing me with all the support that I require, just like a good friend. Yes, Google and me, we have come a long way, love you loads, Google!

Well that brings me to the end of this post, I would like to conclude by saying that, I have written this from the perspective of someone who has just taken the baby steps into driving. I am not sure, if with time, I will also turn into one of the cartoons that I have described in this post, or if I will become an entirely new cartoon, that only time will tell ( I hope and wish that I do not, ever!), but for the time-being let me not worry about all that, let me just stick to being a "New Kid on the Road".

P.S: A couple of more "thank you"s to say! 
1) A big thanks to whoever invented 'Automatics', they are a boon to the whole driving fraternity, I wish someone also invents a car that can auto-park itself, then I won't have to deal with my current nemesis in driving - "parking" anymore. 
2) Though my car is no KITT, I just adore my car, a big thanks to you too for bearing with me as I learnt how to drive you, Yeah, I still don't know how to park you well, but I am sure I will get there someday, hopefully, very soon!

Unrequited love: Agony or Ecstasy?

“It was inevitable: the scent of bitter almonds always reminded him of the fate of unrequited love.” – The very first time that I read this line from Gabriel Garcia Marquez’s ‘Love in the Time of Cholera’ was many years ago, when I hardly knew what love was, let alone unrequited love. But recently I reread the book and the very same line seemed to make a whole lot of sense, and why wouldn’t it, when a lot of things had happened in my life, between the first time I read it and the second time I read it, including love, and that too an unrequited one.

It is strange how love which can be your biggest strength at times, can sometimes also be your biggest weakness. When one is in love, one feels that one can achieve anything in life, there is an immense confidence in oneself, mostly because of the faith that there is someone by your side who thinks the world of you. But when that very source of strength decides to let go of you, decides to break your faith, it can totally rip you of all the confidence you had in yourself. I have often wondered why people go into depression and some even tend to take their lives, when their love fails, when their lovers leave them – is it because the pain of heartbreak is that unbearable, or is it that one totally loses their self-esteem when they realize that someone felt that they were so dispensable that they left them despite of your undying unconditional love for them? I really don’t have an answer to that because I have been through a heartbreak and I have felt both – the pain of heartbreak and the loss of self-worth that it caused.

I have always been a believer of love that lasts an eternity, I still am, but time and again, life keeps giving me instances that prove me wrong. I sometimes feel like I am blast from the past when it comes to my beliefs in love, partly it is because of the movies that I have grown up watching and the books that I have read. I remember having this lunch break conversation with my colleagues almost a year back, when we were discussing the movies that we watched recently. ‘Premam’, a Malayalam movie, a blockbuster hit was hitting the roof of popularity at that time, and naturally our conversation went into that. Everyone at our table was all praise for the movie, when I said that I didn’t like the movie and their jaws dropped, one of my colleagues almost fell of a chair I think in utter disbelief. The movie was the story of coming of age of the protagonist ‘George’, played brilliantly by actor Nivin Pauly. What I didn’t like about the movie was the storyline, of how George falls in love with three women, during different phases of his life. Though all my 80’s friends loved the movie and called it realistic, I was struggling to accept the fact that unrequited love was so easy to get over that the protagonist just kept falling in love at the drop of a lover, sorry hat! Maybe the current generation is totally cool with this idea of moving on in life, one major lifestyle brand even made that their tagline to attract customers in the youth segment! Well, as they say, ‘To each their own’.

But the experience that shook all my beliefs of love and shattered the very foundation of all my beliefs, was my very own love story. It’s strange how those people who proclaim that they will never fall in love, are always the first ones to fall head over heels in love as compared to others, and I was no different. All through my life, I kept telling myself that I will never fall in love, and then one fine day (or should I say, a not so fine day), it happened, I had fallen truly, madly, deeply in love. Being in love – It was a beautiful feeling, a zillion times more beautiful than what I had always thought it would be. All was well in my paradise of love, until that day when I came to know that I was alone in that paradise, when I realized that the person whom I loved was not there to stay, whereas I was in it for life. I have always been a lover of words, I am at my happiest self when I read and when I write, but I never knew that words could also hurt, until that day when I read that e-mail from my now ex-boyfriend, informing me that he no longer wanted to continue our relationship. When I read it, I felt as if my whole life had come to a standstill, as if the ground beneath my feet was slipping and I was spiralling down into an abyss with nothing to hold on to. I read and re-read the message through my eyes filled with tears, and each time I read it, it was becoming very clear to me that he no longer wanted me in his life. In his message, he was asking me not to hate him and to forget and forgive him, but all those lines conveyed only message to me - a “Goodbye forever". So, there I was, with my heart broken into pieces and self-respect hurt beyond repair, tears flowing incessantly, an inexplicable pain in my heart, wishing that it was just a bad dream and that I would wake up soon, only to realize that it was not real. I was not prepared for a situation like this, I was not sure as to what to do next. Should I talk to him, should I go meet him and persuade him to take me back into his life? I thought, I thought a lot about it, and like any self-respecting individual, I decided to walk away with my self-respect intact, but little did I know back then that I was walking into one of the darkest phases of my life. With a lot of pain, I wrote back to him, saying that I respect his decision and that I would stay out of his life. I took the decision to move on, but I was not sure if I would ever be able to. There are times that I wished I could just leave his memories the way he left me! The days, months and the year that followed saw me going from depressed to angry to dejected. Hatred characterized that phase of my life, hatred towards love, towards myself, my beliefs of eternal undying love, towards others, towards everything in life. Those were the days when I used to cry myself to sleep, I used to keep checking my phone constantly for a call, a text, an e-mail from him which never came, I used to put a fake smile on my face to convince the people dear to me, that I was fine when in fact I was crying out loud inside for help, to forget the pain, to forget the hurt. Then there was also one day where I decided to throw self-respect out the window and picked up my phone, dialled his number, begged him to reconsider his decision. If I could undo one day, just one day of my life, then that day definitely is the one I would, because it was the day that made me hate myself, the day I felt that I had let down every single person who cared about me, the day I had fallen in my own eyes.

But then, a year since the break-up, something happened in my life, something which changed my whole perspective towards life, I escaped from a situation from which I never thought I would come out of unhurt, let alone alive. It taught me the value of life, it taught me to appreciate life and to live life without any regrets. It put a lot of things in perspective, including my unrequited love. I realized that it was nothing but a part of this journey of life. In life, we sometimes suffer setbacks, but that does not mean that we stop living, we pull ourselves together and go on. So many hearts break in this world, so many love stories end on a sad note, some love stories end, even before they begin, but life goes on. What I considered a dead-end in life, was nothing but a road block, all I needed was a detour. As compared to the suffering in the world, as compared to the struggles that many go through everyday to make ends meet, as compared to the fights that many go through to stay alive in this world, my broken heart and its pain were hardly anything. There were bigger, better things in life to devote my time, my skills, and my efforts to. I realized that I had blessings that would take me a lifetime to thank my creator for. I realized that I had a gift, a way with words, which I could use to make people laugh, make people think, make people go on a journey into a world that I have created with my words. I started writing more often. I realized that I was fortunate to have got a loving family whose happiness depended entirely on my happiness. I realized that I couldn’t make them happy unless I was happy. But for that to happen, firstly I had to do something, I had to forgive someone. No, it was not the one who had left me, it was the one whom I had left, whom I had stopped loving and caring about – myself. I had to first forgive myself for completely ignoring myself as I mourned over my lost love, for hating myself for having loved someone who was, perhaps not worthy of that love. I realized that I was wrong in punishing myself for a fault that was not mine, I had not left anyone heart broken, and I never would, it is the worst, most demeaning thing that you can do to someone. Once I forgave myself life was easy, life slowly started coming back to normalcy, I was now happy, my writing improved, my work improved, my life improved.

Well, love teaches you a lot of things, but love that remains unrequited teaches you a lot more. If you are able to live through a heart break, be assured that you have a strong heart, and if you are able to forgive the person who broke your heart, then be assured that you have a beautiful one too. I never thought that I would be able to do the “forget and forgive” because the more you try to forget, the more you remember and the more you try to forgive, the more it reminds you of the pain that the person inflicted on you. It took me years to do that, but forget and forgive I did, and it was liberation. What I thought would be the final nail in the coffin, the marriage of my ex-boyfriend (for which I was obviously not invited, but thanks to social media and common friends I came to know), even that didn’t hurt, not even a little. Guess, that’s the power of forgiveness. Unrequited love also taught me a very good lesson in terms of expectations. It is only when we have expectations, we get disappointed in life, when things don’t go as we expect. I had a lot of expectations from love, from the person I loved, which is why I was dejected when they failed. One of the keys to leading a content life is to have nil expectations from people, and from life in general.

I have often wondered if unrequited love is a pain or a pleasure, agony or ecstasy. I still haven’t figured that one out yet, as at times I feel that it is pure agony, a deep sorrow, a pain like none other, but then there are times when I feel like it is one of the most beautiful feelings in this world. Knowing that you were able to love someone so deeply, is indeed a beautiful feeling. Another interesting thing about unrequited love is that one never really gets over unrequited love completely, it is always there somewhere at the back of one’s mind, it may not make its presence felt at all times, but some triggers bring it to the forefront. Well, I can never look at the rain without being reminded of the tears that I have cried over my lost love, or look at the sea without being reminded of that sea inside in those days post breakup. Unrequited love has perhaps left me with a handicap for life when it comes to falling in love; Love and heart break are two roads which once taken are very hard to go down again. However it has made me fall in love with a person who is totally worthy of all the love in the world, and whom I am sure will never break my heart – me, yes it has made me fall in love with myself. Yes, unrequited love is agony, but once you have passed through that initial phase of pain, it is more of an ecstasy. I guess no one can really figure that one out, whether unrequited love is agony or ecstasy. Love is an inexplicable feeling and so is unrequited love, the only way in which one can know how it feels is to experience it, but I would never want anybody’s love to remain unrequited, but to those who know the feeling “Cheers and Happy Valentine’s Day to us”! We are special and so is our love, as it’s ours and ours only.


P.S: There was a time when the mere thought of unrequited love used to bring tears to my eyes, but now I have written a full-length article on it and I still have a smile on my face. As they say "All is well that ends well"; I guess all is well in the world!

(Un)Turning 30

The signs had been there for quite some time – greying hair, panting like a dog on climbing a flight of stairs, difficulty in reading text at a distance, tooth aches, back ache and yes, these were the more direct ones. Then there were those indirect, hidden cues like being addressed as “Aunty” instead of the usual “Chechi” (Malayalam for elder sister) by kids and youngsters alike (and I also had started referring to them as “kids”!). Now it's official. I have turned 30 and I am now officially out of the "Youth" club. Yeah, when you move from “Chechi” zone to “Aunty” zone, it is high time you realized that your time as a young 20 something is up. It has been a month since I turned 30, however the fact still has not quite sunk in. My body had been telling me this for quite some time, and still is telling me that, “Hey Girl, sorry Woman is more appropriate, it’s high time you accept that you are no longer as fit as you used to be earlier, take care of yourself a little more, as you are growing old”. Did I just say “Old”, ouch that hurts!

So what is so scary about "Turning 30" that everyone keeps warning you about. I remember there was an entire episode in "F.R.I.E.N.D.S" about it. I couldn't stop laughing at Joey's "Why God why", until I turned 30 and found myself asking the same!  So, what is it about getting old, that many people are afraid of, and some like me are even unwilling to accept. I kept thinking, is it because of the fact that our looks fade when we grow old, is it because you are no longer attractive as you were earlier? But that can’t be a suitable explanation for "Plain Janes" like me who never got a "Oh, she is so pretty" comment ever in their lives. Since looks had never been a strength, its absence was never going to be a concern, for me. Those few strands of grey hair or those wrinkles on the face, didn’t hurt. So, I ruled out the “looks” factor, so what else could be the reason for this fear of ageing. Is it the impact on health, well, that is a strong one, after all ‘health is wealth’, anything that has an adverse impact on health, can give anyone sleepless nights. So health, I realize is definitely an important reason for the fear. But looks and health were just physical aspects, and they were easier to make peace with, but then there were those psychological aspects, the more scary ones. The fact that with each passing year, you are running a little short of time to fulfil your list of desires in life, a “Bucket list" or a “Wish list” as some call it, does make us nervous, doesn’t it? As someone who has been through a near-death experience, I have seen and experienced the greatest fear most people have, the fear of not been able to live to see another day. That experience helped me realize that we only live once and we must do all that we want to do in this lifetime, so that when the time comes to say the final goodbye, we can do so without any regrets.  So, well that pretty much explains my greatest fear of growing old. Apart from these fears, there are those fears like the one of being on one’s own, taking responsibility for all that is happening in life, I can no longer put the blame on someone else and escape like I used to when I was young  (how I miss those good old school and college days when I hardly had any responsibilities apart from the obvious responsibility of studying, which at that time felt like a huge one, but in comparison to the current responsibilities I have, it hardly qualifies as one!).  

Well, turning 30 did scare the daylights out of me, still continues to, and I don’t know how long it will be before I finally come to terms with the fact that it is all part of growing up, that many have been there and many are joining the bandwagon even as I write this! However turning 30 was also quite an eye-opener. It helped me realize many things in life, like it made me realize that I should never take anything in life for granted. I had always been very proud of my eyesight. I used to keep telling my friends and family that I can pass an eye-test on any given day. However I got the biggest shock of my life one day, when out of my overconfidence, I asked my parents to leave their spectacles at home and even went on to proclaim that they did not need them when I was with them, only to find out later that I was struggling to read the sign boards from a distance. That reality check was followed by another check, this time at an eye hospital, and now here I am, writing this blog on my laptop, with my new pair of spectacles on. Never knew that one day the very eyesight that I had taken so much pride in would no longer be a matter of pride. It was also an eye-opener in terms of health too. I realized that I was no longer as fit as I used to be and that I had to devote extra time and effort into taking care of myself to keep myself fit, which meant more exercise and saying “Adios” to all those junk food items that I totally love. Yes my time was up, I had had my own share of binging on burgers and pizzas, now it was time for me to move on to some healthy food (heart-breaking decision that one, but had to take it, for the love of I, me, myself and for the people who care about me).

Honestly, turning 30 wasn't all that bad, there were a lot of good things to it. Firstly, it is the independence – financial, emotional, and what not, after years of depending on your parents for anything and everything, by the time one turns 30, one is independent enough to take decisions on their own, live life on one’s own terms. Next best thing about turning 30 (well this is something which I have felt, not sure if other "30 somethings" feel the same way about it as I do) is the absence of the competitive spirit that had dominated me right from my high school days and which kind of aggravated with time as I stepped into the big bad world of Corporate. However towards my late 20s, I realized that I had grown tired of the mindless competition or the “rat race of life” as some call it. I had moved from “Compete or die” to “Love each other or perish” (Quote Courtesy: ‘Tuesdays with Morrie’ by Mitch Albom, one of my favourite books). That however doesn't mean that I have become complacent or lazy, I still do my work with the same fervour and honesty that I used to when I was young, but the only difference nowadays is that, I do it not to out perform someone or make someone feel inferior, but for the self-satisfaction of having done my job to the utmost of my abilities. Of-late I have also learnt to be more content with life, learnt to let go of hatred, to be more forgiving and empathetic towards others, and to find joy in the small things in life. Basically, I feel that the clock, in my case is actually going the opposite direction; I am not 'Turning 30', but I am 'Un-Turning 30'. With each year, I feel that I am going a little back in time, to my childhood days and to that innocence that characterised that phase of my life. I have seen that happen in my father’s life, he is in his sixties now, but he has the innocence of a child, which I find no different from that of my 2-year old nephew. Well, if every passing year in life marks a slow return to innocence, then I think that turning 30 or for that matter 60 isn’t bad after all. Yes, I have always been slow in learning life lessons, I take a long time to accept things, courtesy Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, so it isn't a surprise that I am having difficulty in accepting the fact that I am growing old. I remember, I almost cried out in disbelief when I saw my first strand of grey hair, but over a period of time (as I started losing count of them!), I have learnt to accept it and live with it. With time, I am sure I will learn to accept that I am becoming old, however I will do that without any regrets, happy to discover somewhere down the line, that innocent child in me, that was lost somewhere in this struggle for existence.

  

Life in the year that was 2016

From changing jobs to changing cities, from transforming a house to a home, from being demonetized to demoralised, the year sure had a lot going on for me, but that's so far, don’t know what’s in store next!

They say, lightning never strikes a place twice. Mother nature has a way of being considerate, however life doesn’t offer mercies like that, at least not to some of us. Life has its own way of handing over one blow after another to certain people and I happen to be one of them. The year 2016 is almost nearing end, and when I look back at the year that was, the term ‘eventful’ seems to be an understatement. This year definitely has taken me on a roller-coaster ride, unfortunately (or fortunately?) the lows outnumbered the highs in the journey.

Firstly, it took me to the stars, by handing me a job opportunity that was like a dream to me – one with a Fortune 500 company, that too one of the best public sector companies in the country. The professional, the patriot, the nerd and the philanthropist in me were all on cloud nine. Should have known Murphy’s law better – whatever goes up has to come down. I had not finished basking in the glory of my achievement, when “life” happened, and as is it is the way with life, it sometimes manages to flip 180 degrees in no time. The company that I had given all my time, energy and life into for three long years, which was all praise for me, suddenly seemed to dislike me, and all it took was a resignation letter and a strong resolve to move out. So what if I had wanted more from my job than making an already rich person a little more rich, so what if I had cracked a national level test for post graduates and outperformed similar others in a rigorous selection process to make it into one of the best public sector companies in the country, none of this mattered in the tough corporate world of private sector, I couldn’t go unless I had paid my dues for having worked (often ignoring the fact that I even had a life beyond work) so hard for the company, read “notice period”. But serving the notice period would mean kissing good-bye to the job opportunity forever, as my age would never give me an opportunity to even apply again for that job. So, what would ideally have been the happiest day of my life, the date of joining the company that I had struggled so hard to get into, turned into nothing short of a nightmare. I didn’t have a relieving letter, I didn’t have any proof that I even sent a resignation letter to my manager (heights of blind-trust in my manager, which I regret to this day) who turned his back on me at a time when I was desperate for help, by assuring me that I would be relieved on the date that I requested and then changed his word at the very last moment when I was all set to leave; I would not have expected a similar treatment even from the worst of my enemies, not that I have any. However it struck me really late that I did have a copy of the mail acknowledging my resignation and the date that I wanted to be relieved, which was my saving grace (reinforcing my belief that God does exist and he delays, not denies). One hurdle crossed, joining formalities done, trainings and work began, and everything was returning to normalcy post the nightmarish phase, when “life” happened again. This time it was not a nightmare, it was an ordeal.

So I had a new job now in a new city, next step was to get a new car and a new house. That thing they say about arriving in life, sounds so good and looks so good on paper and celluloid, but in real life it is an arduous, painstaking, laborious task, which was nothing short of an ordeal, I would say. Having been brought up in a typical middle class Indian family, I had a very decent upbringing, my parents made sure that I got all that I wanted, the best education (a strict ‘no-compromise’ factor especially for Keralites) and all the comforts that any daughter would want. It was smooth-sailing for me all along, being the youngest in my family, I was always under the protection of my parents and elder brother. That also meant that I had little knowledge on matters related to managing finances and managing home, I never had to do either of it, as they were always taken care of by my parents or my brother. So it goes without saying that I ended up a complete mess when I had to run the show myself.    

I had always been cynical about my friends who could go on for hours on end about the benefits of investing, saving money, reducing taxes and matters like that which always tend to go above my head (got to admit this, I don’t have any clue how I managed to clear all those finance papers in B-School and even manage to get a rank). When my colleagues at work used to spend hours on their laptops, making declarations to save tax, I used to say with a lot of pride, “I don’t believe in all this savings and investments stuff that you talk about” and continue my work, as they busily typed their way into tax-saving heaven. It all came back to me, all those memories, when I found myself staring in disbelief at the swipe machine as the message “Card declined” showed up on the screen on swiping my card. I was at an electronics shop to buy a washing machine for my newly rented apartment. I figured out in an instant what had gone wrong and I knew that the gentleman at the shop too did, but inorder to save me from embarrassment, he said something like “Madam, it seems there is a maximum limit set by your bank for purchases through this card”, a blatant lie that one. I walked out of the shop, shocked, disappointed, ashamed, and embarrassed all at the same time, to be honest I am unable to describe that feeling in words. I had never came across a situation like that in my life, running out of money.


I realized that day that arriving in life, literally meant arriving, with absolutely nothing in hand, starting from zero and working your way up. Whatever little savings (if one could call salary that went unused as one, remember I had never really believed in savings) I had, I exhausted it all on buying a car and renting a brand new apartment, not to forget the long (really long, never-ending) list of items that are needed to transform a house to home. This was clear unchartered territory for me, setting up a house, and I had to tread that path all by myself, absolutely alone, with no support from my parents (their decision to stay away perplexed me at that time, but like all parents they had a really good reason for doing that, took me a while to figure it out though). I learnt many a lesson in life during that period – the importance of savings, the importance of planning, and the most important one – the value of money. Want to teach someone the value of money, look no further than setting up a house on one’s own. I transformed from a person who used to apply zero thought into shopping, to someone who prepares a well thought-out list much in advance before heading out for shopping. What twenty nine years of my life couldn’t teach me, the first couple of months in my new house taught me. I realized why my parents wanted me to do this on my own, they wanted me to stand on my own feet, they wanted me to not just live but thrive without any support from anyone and I believe that I have been able to do justice to them to an extent. From being dependant on my parents for anything and everything, to being on my own in a city that is totally new to me, I think I have definitely come a long way.  All said and done, I have to say that there was something lacking in my house even after I had everything readied in it. It was just a house to me until my parents came to stay with me for a while, and that is when I felt that my house had actually transformed to a home.

It took a few months for things to stabilize in life, expenses were now in check, savings had started growing and yes I was back to my smooth sailing phase, and then “Demonetization” happened. I was not aware that a term like that even existed, and so did many other Indians until that midnight when the Modi government made a landmark decision that was to change the lives of many Indians overnight. From having no money in my account to having money but not been able to withdraw, I didn’t know if I should laugh or cry at the games life was playing with me. Like Ross in “Friends”, I kept asking myself, “Why do bad things happen to good people?”. I seriously doubted if I actually was a good person and if infact I was, then why was all this happening to me. I recover from one setback and then I have to brace myself for the next one, why? Is it just me or is everyone going through similar struggles, I kept wondering.

Demonetization was supposed to be a bolt from the blue for black money hoarders, but unfortunately it was the same, maybe even worse for innocent people too. As an educated Indian, I am expected to sing praises to the government for such a bold move, else I would either be branded as a black money hoarder/supporter, which I definitely am not, or not elite enough, which is quite true. One of my comments in social media on how this move had affected me very badly and  how it proved so costly for innocent people, drew such flak from my friends group, I was left wondering, “Wow, Are there so many elitists in my friends group?”. Well, I do realize that the executives who commute to office in their own car, or take Ubers, Olas or Merus to their offices which have dedicated ATMs in the premises for their employees and to whom transacting using online wallets, net banking and cards comes as naturally as breathing (I know the feeling because I was one of them six months back) this decision must not have created much of an impact on their daily lives. However, as someone who has seen for real the hardships faced by a section of people, especially in rural areas who were already struggling to make ends meet when they received a death blow in the form of “Demonetization”, I am not able to laud this decision of the government. However hard I try to see reason in the arguments made by the supporters of this move, I am not able to understand how one can justify the loss of a human life as something which is for a “greater good”. Well, would they dare try saying that to someone who has lost their loved one. Then there are all these comparisons that are totally meaningless, so many people die in mobs at other places. Well, did they do that out of compulsion? Were they forced into doing that? The comparison with soldiers at the border, which was by far the most lame one of all, how can one ever compare what a soldier is doing for his motherland to something like standing in a queue all day long? I have always believed in the power of honesty, but something inside me hurts when I think of the plight of honest people in the current situation. Yeah I am not an elitist and I am glad that I am not, because if being an elitist means being blind to the suffering of people around oneself, then it is better not being one. I am trying hard not to get demoralized, because like anyone who has suffered because of this decision, I too hope that the suffering was not in vain, but if things are going on the way they are right now, that day is not far away when even that glimmer of hope also goes off.

As if all of this demonetization woes were not enough, there was more bad news around the corner, especially for the people of Tamilnadu, the death of the former CM of Tamilnadu – J Jayalalitha. Though I am not a Tamil, I was deeply saddened by the news of her demise, partly because I have this connection with Tamilnadu that goes way back to 2008, my first job after completing my engineering degree was in Tamilnadu. From my I.T days in Chennai to my B-School days in Coimbatore to the present stint in Tanjore, I share a special bond with Tamilnadu, some of the best things in my life happened in Tamilnadu. As much as I love my home Kerala, I have to say that I feel more secure when I am in Tamilnadu than when I am in Kerala, and a part of the credit goes to the “Iron Lady” as Jayalalitha was fondly called, for putting in place such a robust law and order system in the state. The way she lead the state, the way she brought so many companies to the state – from I.T to automobile to energy, the way in which she carried herself despite several setbacks in life and her pro-poor schemes, she just commands respect and she is nothing short of an inspiration for all of us, especially women.

The year is about to come to an end. It has been quite an eventful one for me, went through a lot of tough times, but everything only served to make me more strong and wise. It was also a year that gave me a lot of satisfaction and pride in the job that I am doing, directly and indirectly benefitting a lot of people around me. It is also a year that taught me that one should never put work before family, a lesson learnt a very hard way, because all the good work you’ve done may be forgotten in one day by your company or your superiors, but the moments you spend with your family, they last a lifetime. I had read this somewhere, no one remembers powerpoint presentations at your funeral. One must work to live, not the other way around. I also learnt two very essential life skills this year – driving and cooking. I learnt a new language. I learnt how to set up a house all by myself. I learnt that I can finally be on my own, not having to depend on someone to take care of me from time to time. The year that was 2016 was like this for me. I vaguely remember the lyrics of an English song that goes “life is a roller coaster”, well the lyricist is right, life definitely is one. What is a roller coaster ride without the lows, isn’t it what makes the ride worth taking, wouldn’t it be boring ride if the roller coaster went only in one direction. So, all we have to do is just sit back and enjoy the ride and always remember to keep our eyes open for what’s coming next.